“When I asked him if he was having another affair, and he said, ‘It’s none of your business.’”
Gray divorce — the term for splits that occur among folks over the age of 50 — has been on the rise for the last several decades.
In 1990, fewer than one in 10 Americans getting divorced were 50+ years old, according to a 2022 statistical analysis published in the Journal of Gerontology. In 2010, that number was one in four. By 2019, it was one in three.
Authors of the study believe this likely has to do with society’s increasing acceptance of divorce, as well as women having more financial and emotional independence.
“All these factors set the stage and make it more acceptable than a generation ago,” co-author Susan Brown told AARP.
We asked HuffPost readers who divorced after the age of 50 to share the moment they realized their marriage was over. Read their first-hand accounts below:
Responses have been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.
1. “Divorced at 61 after 29 years. He left my 50th birthday party to go home and get drunk but denied it. Eventually I could no longer pretend things were OK after years of unpredictable behavior, rage at the slightest remark, lies about finances, job-hopping until he retired without telling me. It felt like I couldn’t breathe. The truth? I wanted to be happy, and I wouldn’t be if I stayed married.” — Mary B.
2. “When I asked him if he was having another affair, and he said, ‘It’s none of your business.’” — Janelle R.
3. “I was 50, second marriage, diagnosed with breast cancer and husband said he couldn’t cope with that.” — Sharon P.
4. “Differences in future. I had a solid job she wanted me to stay in a few more years. I had a side venture that was working (and it did). The youngest kid was 18, so no child support needed. We’re still great friends but had to go different ways. I’d estimate this split cost me $500,000. But worth it.” — Craig G.
5. “My ex and I had not been speaking to each other after a particularly bad fight. Then 9/11 happened. It was such a traumatic event and yet we both still refused to speak to each other to offer any kind of comfort. I realized our marriage was over when we couldn’t set our anger aside at a time when we should have been supporting each other through such a tragic time.” — Pam M.
6. “Divorced after 28 years of marriage and two kids. There were many red flags, being told I was ‘inconveniencing him’ when he needed to take a day off since I was having minor surgery. Or when I came home from a business trip, and he was gone. Figured out he was on a motorcycle trip with a co-worker, who is now his wife. He didn’t think he did anything wrong since they hadn’t slept together. And to make matters worse, we worked for the same company.” — Louise S.
7. “I knew my marriage was over after I endured the extreme cruelty he exhibited during the divorce, even though I prayed for reconciliation until the end.” — Jenni K.
8. “We were married for 30 years. I always knew the marriage wasn’t good, but I learned that the opposite of good isn’t necessarily bad. So it took me growing confident in myself to initiate the divorce. Our kids were in college, and I just didn’t want to feel so alone all the time. I told him that I’d rather be lonely by myself than with someone but feel lonely.” — Lee K.
9. “When he treated my LGBTQ minor child with disgust and wasn’t interested in educating himself. I wasn’t going to risk my child’s mental health.” — Esther C.
10. “He wouldn’t go to therapy so I went on my own. I chose someone who did marriage counseling in the hopes my husband would eventually join me. There was an extra chair in the therapist’s office. I found myself yelling at the chair throughout the session. At the end, I told the therapist, ‘I don’t want marriage counseling. I want a divorce. I f- ing hate him.’” — June A.
11. “When he came home from a business trip with an STD. — Sue W.
12. “I got an email. Yes, an email. She couldn’t talk to me, face me, finds an excuse and sends me an email. And it’s me, not you, she said. What a joke. And then shortly after the divorce is final, she gets remarried to an old guy with lots of money. The guy who she used to work for and was seeing while married. I didn’t totally realize it at the time, but she did me a huge favor.” — Mike H.
13. “I knew it was over on our honeymoon in Aruba that I paid for when he said I couldn’t have the free massage that came with our honeymoon package. His reason was it would be weird for him to think of a guy touching me but also weird for him to think of a woman touching me, so we are skipping that. I never got a copy of the list of red flags to watch out for, so things carried on for another 22 years until I finally got out of the marriage.” — Julie K.
14. “When he voted for Trump in 2016.” — Carla J.
15. “I went through 17 years of marriage with a man-child. Our second child’s disability care increased when she reached high school, and he refused to step up and help but instead felt I was not giving him enough attention so he left. I’m poorer but happier now.” — Kate E.
16. “My marriage was lonely for a few years, but it was right when I turned 50 I found out that my partner of 34 years was cheating and two months later, he pushed me over and I smashed my wrist. That’s when I knew there was nothing left to repair, we were broken, same as my wrist. We were done.” — Felicity A.
17. “I hung on for 24 years, in denial, with an alcoholic, narcissistic husband. When our 19-year-old daughter began college and got some perspective, she bravely staged an intervention during a miserable Christmas. When her dad refused counseling, she turned to me, saying, ‘I need one sane parent,’ and led the way to counseling, going with me and supporting me. In six months, I was in my own apartment, and in one year, I was starting over at a new job in a different state. She will always be my hero.” — Emmy E.
18. “The moment was when I realized that ‘moment’ would not ever be handed to me or just magically appear. It was when I realized that it was up to me to decide to follow my gut and take the initiative to do what I knew I needed to do. And within a week after I made that decision and met with a lawyer, I learned that he was having an affair.
I have been forever proud to have made the decision without the prior knowledge of his infidelity because I know that meant that I was strong enough to believe in myself and choose my own destiny without needing to have anyone’s external permission.” — Lisa C.
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