What we decide to put on is a form of self-expression, not an opportunity for feedback.
Opinions. We all have them, especially about something as subjective as style. If you look at the comments section of any social media post, you’ll see examples: “That dress is one size too small.” “That color washes him out.” “She needs to fire her stylist.”
Some of us find the need to express and share our opinions unsolicited. And while sharing can sometimes be helpful ― for instance, if you warn a friend that her high heels might not be the best choice for a beach wedding on the sand ― but much of the time, it can be downright offensive, hurtful or even dangerous (especially if you’re in a workplace setting).
But are you even aware of when you’re making an unwelcome comment? We decided to talk to experts (including a sociologist, a psychologist and a human resources professional) to get their thoughts.
“When I heard the gist of what this conversation was going to be about, it made me laugh a little because, really, why are we still making these kinds of negative comments?” said Ashley Full, stylist and co-founder of Amour781, a fashion brand for plus-size people. Why, indeed.
While all the experts we talked to recommended refraining from saying anything at all in regard to people’s clothing, here are the phrases you should definitely avoid.
Comments that expose people’s insecurities
Think: “They’re too old to be wearing that,” or “Just because you can wear something, doesn’t mean you should.”
“I wish we lived in a world where we didn’t make comments on people’s appearance, period,” said Stacey Rosenfeld, a licensed psychologist at Gatewell Therapy Center in Coral Gables, Florida. Her top phrases to avoid include, “She’s too old to be wearing that,” and one she saw posted in response to a fat content creator’s videos; “just because you can wear something doesn’t mean you should.”
These kinds of comments really expose people’s phobias about their own bodies, Rosenfeld said. A lot of Rosenfeld’s work revolves around guiding people to transition away from thinking about bodies as objects. When we make these sorts of statements, they keep us stuck in “the body as an object way of being,” she explained.
Comments about professionalism
Here, we’re talking about statements that declare an outfit “unprofessional” because you consider it “too tight,” for example.
“A lot of it what people comment on about clothing borders lines of sexualization,” said Melissa C. Brown, a sociologist and assistant professor of communication at Santa Clara University, “especially for women of color who have curvier bodies.”
Something that is not seen as problematic on a thinner or skinnier woman is often seen as such on a curvier person, she explained. Context and family dynamics come into play in this situation also, especially when young girls enter puberty and their bodies change.
“There’s a way people police their clothing and how it fits on their body,” Brown said. Her advice is that you shouldn’t say anything that implies that a person in “some way, shape or form is doing something inappropriate simply because of how fabric sits on their skin.”
People often try to figure out who you are and then position you in some type of invisible hierarchy based on how you’re dressed, she explained. The problem with this is that most of us work off assumptions and generalizations that have to do with race, gender and identity. An example would be someone deciding that an individual wearing baggy pants must be involved in gang activity.
Comments that assign an identity-based judgment to your clothing
Think: “You look like a little leprechaun in that suit,” or “Did you get that outfit at a yard sale?”
Beverly Propst, senior VP of human resources at Graybar Electric Company, Inc. in St. Louis, Missouri, recommends avoiding statements that can be construed as judgmental ― anything that assigns a judgment on your identity, class, race or other identity-based factor to your clothing. That’s where people tend to get themselves in trouble.
“There are so many things that can go wrong in a conversation between two people, and particularly between two coworkers,” Propst said. Anything that implies a preference or bias based on someone’s race, color, religion, sex or age can cause very real problems.
As well as landing yourself in the proverbial hot water, you run the risk of actually hurting a coworker’s feelings which, according to Propst, can damage both morale and productivity.
“I think society has trained everyone to tell certain people or certain body types (or women in general) to not to be so loud; not to be bold in how they dress,” Full said. Her company recently ran a campaign called “Do the Don’t” where they embraced all those societal fashion don’ts.
Full, who identifies herself as a plus-size woman, said she’s gotten to a place of understanding that, when someone is clearly uncomfortable about her wardrobe, they’re just projecting their insecurities onto her.
And the obvious one: Comments about someone’s size, no matter the size
It shouldn’t need to be said, but alas. Always refrain from using phrases like, “Wearing that outfit makes you look fat,” Brown said (not to mention, commenting that a person’s body looks slim could have an equally triggering effect). Clothing doesn’t make people look a particular way, she explained. If you must say something, use the words, “That doesn’t fit you well.”
Claiming that fabric makes a person look a particular way enforces a phobia, Brown said. In an interpersonal context, use the opportunity to have a conversation or to set boundaries, she suggests. Let people know you actually didn’t ask for their opinion.
Most of us, after all, are just dressing our bodies to go out into the world and live. If anything, what we decide to put on is a form of self-expression, not an opportunity for feedback.
Why so many people feel it’s OK to comment on what someone is wearing
The internet and social media (of course) have a lot to do with our propensity to spew our opinions, especially in regard to what someone chooses to wear.
“People comment on everything hidden behind their keyboards. They impose their values onto others and we live in a culture that’s very appearance oriented,” Rosenfield said. Many also feel their comments are helpful in some way.
“I wish that people could all agree that clothing is a personal choice,” Rosenfield added. If a stranger feels inclined to comment on your wardrobe, Rosenfield says it’s perfectly acceptable to respond, “I’m not really interested in your opinion.”
If it’s a friend, she suggests (depending on how conflict interested or averse you might be feeling) saying, “I’m guessing you’re trying to be helpful, but I’m really trying to focus on wearing what I want and what I feel comfortable in.”
Whoever utters the comment, it’s important to recognize that it isn’t about you. Remind yourself that neither your body nor your identity is wrong. While the comment may have been mean and uncalled for, there’s nothing that is wrong about you.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Truly.
Rosenfield’s first tip for anyone who feels compelled to comment on what somebody else is wearing: simply don’t.
If, she says, you feel as if you must, try to figure out why that is. “Pause for a second and think about the impact of whatever you’re about to say,” she advised. Examine where its coming from. This could lead to figuring out why you think or believe certain things, such as: older people shouldn’t wear a specific thing, or thin bodies aren’t as valuable as fat bodies.
Ultimately, reflecting on why we’re inclined to expel certain opinions will help identify some of the ingrained systems that impact us all and, hopefully, break those systems down a bit.
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