3 Ways To Become More Assertive

Well-meaning adults teach us to stand up for ourselves when we’re little kids. For some, like me, the lesson never took. If assertiveness were a muscle, mine would have been atrophied.

A reckoning with my submissive disposition happened during a battle for a promotion. On paper, my experience and knowledge made me the ideal choice. I thought I had secured a significant victory in my young career, but my boss had a different take.

The conversation began with the usual prologue of abundant praise, the kind that has you thinking uh-oh, he’s setting me up for disappointment. And then, once they wrap up the accolades, they pause and gather the strength to say the most terrible of three-letter words.

But…

You’re impressive, a great fit, totally qualified, but… I’m worried you won’t stand up for yourself when you’re in a challenging position. I’m concerned that when you need to push people to hit a deadline. You’re too accommodating, too eager to please others.

In short, he believed I’d let people walk all over me, which made sense because my behavior up to that point led him to that conclusion. That was when I knew I had to change, but it would take another ten years of trying to figure out how to do it.

A lack of assertiveness, I realized, stems from fear. You don’t stand up for yourself out of fear of what others might think or how they might react, or you’re just too eager to please everyone.

Ironically, the fear of eliciting a negative response and a desire to please others results in outcomes where we attract people who despise our perceived weakness and repel folks attracted to strong and confident friends.

If that seems familiar, don’t fret. These three techniques helped me shed my meek traits, develop a more assertive personality, and become more confident.

Create a leadership position for yourself

A leadership role forces you to break out of your shell. If you’re shy, quiet, or compliant, you may find opportunities wanting. Like my promotion rejection, others saw I lacked assertiveness — a leadership quality — disqualifying me from roles that required strong leadership creds.

Still, that’s not an excuse to give up. You don’t have to wait for someone to grant you a chance to lead. Volunteer positions go unclaimed all the time. In my community, little league organizers had to beg parents to take a coaching slot. A community center in a nearby town pleaded with residents for someone to take on a team leader role.

Don’t miss out on other, more high-profile opportunities. Create a political action committee around a cause personal to you. It might sound scary, and it is, but it’s not as difficult as it sounds. I created one myself. You can also create a nonprofit and run it in your spare time. These roles force you to hunt for volunteers, ask for donations and answer people who rely on you to improve their lives, actions that develop your assertiveness muscle.

Grease the wheels for others

Twenty years ago, I hired a sales mentor. What struck me about this guy was his mild-mannered, relatively quiet disposition. Back then, I thought all salespeople were flashy, slick-talkers who never shut up.

My mentor dispelled that myth, and he succeeded not through his verbal persuasion supremacy but by reframing his role as a facilitator instead of a seller. He made it his business to connect people in need. When it came time to sell, he had a virtual Rolodex of people eager to return a favor or at least give him an opportunity to make a sale.

Acting as a facilitator in chief is a low-contact technique to develop assertiveness and confidence. The risk of rejection runs lower than if you were in a pure sales or leadership situation because you’re not seeking anything for your benefit. Instead, you’re working for the welfare of others.

Think of it as a baby step towards self-confidence and assertiveness.

To get started, create a database of your contacts. Learn about the needs of each person. Seek out what makes them unusual or unique. This information gives hints about their dreams, struggles, and passions. Talk about their strengths. People love to brag about the skills where they excel.

In time, your database grows, and you’ll be able to match up people in need with people who can fill that demand.

“Hey, Jane. My friend Sam has been helping people navigate that sort of paperwork for years. Do you want me to see if he can help?”

As you make connections, the law of reciprocity often follows. The parties who benefit from your work will return the favor if given the opportunity.

Say “no” at least once a day

Are you the kind of person who tries to please everyone? If so, you probably do so at the expense of your own agency. In brutal terms, you let people walk all over you.

People-pleasing sounds noble, but those inclined to take advantage of you will smell weakness and exploit your compliant tendency. That doesn’t mean you should never try to please people, only that you shouldn’t do it at the expense of your happiness.

It’s essential to say “no” when others make excessive demands of your time, money, or resources. It demonstrates your resolve to others who would take advantage of you while freeing up time to work on your needs, responsibilities, and dreams. Plus, it serves as proof to yourself that you can take on more challenging roles in leadership, activism, and organization.

By setting a goal of saying no once per day, you take yourself out of the reflexive habit of acceding to the demands of others while forcing yourself to consciously consider each request.

All you need to know

In modern-day society, a lack of assertiveness can kill careers and subject you to ridicule and subjugation. Some folks develop the skill at an early age or possess it through nature-given talent. But those of us who never needed to assert ourselves as youngsters can develop the craft as adults by taking on leadership roles, saying no at least once a day, and facilitating connections between others.