25% of US men experience abuse, but it’s hard to get help.
I’ve sat across from grandfathers with rope burns on their wrists and have had them tell me that everything was a misunderstanding. I’ve investigated cases where disabled fathers with black eyes refused to talk to me. I have tried to help young men who have been victims of sex trafficking.
For eight years, I investigated abuse against the aged and disabled as part of the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services’ Adult Protective Services, partner to the department’s better-known Child Protective Services. And, like those who try to help abused children, I saw the worst humanity had to offer other adults.
I know the statistics by heart. It takes, on average, seven interventions before an abused partner leaves the relationship. More than 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men will experience some form of violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
However, those statistics may be underreported for men, according to Dr. Grey Endres, an associate professor of social work at Missouri Western State University and special consultant to Newhouse KC, a domestic violence shelter in Kansas City, Missouri.
“Oftentimes, there has been less reporting of male abuse, so the statistics are not correct,” Endres told me. “Shame is binding.”
I talked to Endres to learn what keeps abused men and boys from speaking up and how to get them help.
This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.
CNN: Why are so many men and boys often silent when they are abused?
Dr. Grey Endres: A lot of it has to do with the way we raise boys. For boys, it’s all about “rub it off.” “You’ll be OK.” “Stand up.” “Shake it off.” That is some of it. The other part has to do with the shame that men put on themselves when they admit that they were victims of physical or sexual abuse.
It has to do with how we define what it means to be a man. If you are being abused, you have created a barrier to asking for help if you think that there’s something wrong or flawed with you because you were abused.
CNN: It’s not just what men and boys impose on themselves. What barriers do they face when seeking services?
Endres: A majority of domestic violence shelters only accept women. It’s broken thinking among professionals that we believe domestic violence is only intimate partner violence of a man toward a woman or a woman toward another woman, when men are also victims of domestic violence.
Domestic violence is not just intimate partner violence. It includes child abuse. It includes gang violence. It includes bullying. It includes family sexual assault. It includes elder abuse. All violence is connected.
But frequently many of our services work in silos, so we create our barriers within our systems.
CNN: What happens when men can’t get help?
Endres: If you were exposed to domestic violence as a kid, you have a greater likelihood of being further exposed to domestic violence as an adult.
Unfortunately, what frequently happens is that we will act out the trauma that we experienced. That violence passes down from family systems to family systems, generation to generation.
You rationalize that it’s OK to solve problems with violence and that carries on to adulthood. Sometimes that means you end up hurting yourself, and other times that means hurt people don’t see the red flags in others
CNN: Is it too late by the time you are a man to break the cycle?
Endres: The earlier the trauma, the more difficult it is to heal. In the first year of life, one developmental milestone is trust versus mistrust. As trust develops, it sets the stage for the future development of empathy, the conscience, cause and effect thinking, self-esteem and the ability to attach — all of which are components of resiliency.
But the human condition is designed to heal. It’s not what’s wrong with you; it’s what’s happened to you.
Understanding that making changes to break your cycle means making changes to the way you think. Acknowledge that violence is not the solution. Even though you experienced that as a child, make decisions to live life differently and surround yourself with healthy people.
CNN: We hear about women in danger needing safety plans. How do men make a safety plan?
Endres: There are two kinds of safety plans. One is for emotional management, and the other is for physical safety.
When you’re feeling depressed or anxious, take a moment and rub your temples, get some fresh air and maybe listen to some music. Then talk to someone to help manage your emotions.
The next is the physical safety plan, a series of steps that I will do to ensure my safety and my children’s safety. I’m going to take information about my finances, my passport, my driver’s license and my health insurance information. I will have clothes stored at a friend’s house, so if I need to leave, I can swing by and get that bag and then go to safety.
CNN: How can men access resources or even find out if they exist where they are?
Endres: Every large city is going to have a hotline, plus the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE) and the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (988). All of those are going to connect you to the right place. Granted, you may be in a city where there are fewer shelters or physical resources for men.
But even if you call a domestic violence shelter and you’re a man, they should be referring you to the next best resource. Also, on every person’s health card, there will be a mental health phone number. They also will have the resources to point you in the right direction. If you are a veteran, you can call the Veterans Crisis Line (988, press 1).
You can also contact your state’s Adult Protective Services department for victims over the age of 65 or the disabled.
CNN: What should you do if you have kids?
Endres: Many abusers will use children as pawns toward their victim. Abusers will also do that with pets.
At that point, contact children’s services, the sheriff or the legal authorities. Child protective services should have the ability to help, even if it’s separate from the help you need.
The agency that I work for, Newhouse, accepts men, women, their children and pets. We accept them into either our residential or our outreach, outpatient, case management, therapy and legal advocacy. We’re trying to shatter those barriers that are in place that prevent people from getting the services that they need.