Desire to rekindle the romance drives some to become stalkers
Hardly anybody gets into a romantic relationship for the sole purpose of breaking up. The end of a romance, for whatever reason, is a very difficult experience because it signifies personal failure.
What’s more? The end of a romantic relationship marks the sudden termination of sweet dreams the couple had during happier times. The good memories make it difficult for lovers to believe that the fantasy is coming to an abrupt ending.
According to Marriage.com, an online resource for couples, the most common reasons people give for breaking up involve a lack of emotional intimacy, sexual incompatibility, differences in life goals and poor conflict resolution skills.
Statistics published in the portal show that 70 per cent of couples break up within a year of getting together.
Jimmy Wanjala, a communication professional, broke up with his lover in circumstances he attributes to being in a long-distance relationship.
“We met while I was working in Kisumu,” Wanjala recalls.
“Six months later, I left Kisumu for a better-paying job in Nairobi. I thought the move would strengthen our relationship because we were planning to get married and more money would be great for us.
“I would visit her in Kisumu once or twice a month, but the closeness we had was not there anymore. The relationship ended within a year of my move to Nairobi.”
Different dynamics
For Irene Wacu, an accountant, her relationship ended because she felt disrespected. “I suspect my ex was cheating on me because he would take calls when we were together on outings. Whenever I asked, he would answer me rudely,” Wacu, now 42, says.
Violence, emotional abuse and dishonesty are major contributors to relationship breakups. Emotional abuse may seem less severe than actual violence but it is just as bad. Emotional abuse is behaviour meant to control another person through hurtful words, threats and humiliation all meant to wreck the victim’s self-esteem.
Charlotte Wakesho, who works in housekeeping at the Coast, says she walked out of a long-term relationship because of emotional abuse. “My fiance would get angry and abusive whenever he got drunk,” Charlotte, who is a devout Christian, explains. Emotional abuse and religious incompatibility doomed the relationship.
The trend of taking romantic relationships casually is also contributing to unstable relationships. Men and women who feel they have plenty of choices are unwilling to invest too much energy in building a relationship with one lover. They bolt off at the first sign of trouble.
Davey Maina, now a single man, laments the opportunities he wasted moving from relationship to relationship instead of building one that could have led to marriage.
“I dated a beautiful girl with a horrible personality. I left her and met someone else three months later. A month into my new relationship, my ex wanted us to get back together,” he said.
“I was reluctant at first, but she was very persistent. We eventually met and agreed to give it another shot, but I had to end my new relationship. Despite the reconciliation, we broke off a year later. That time, it was she who left me with the excuse that I was not of her social class. I wish I had not sacrificed a promising relationship to reconcile with her.”
Online dating makes it easy to start and end relationships. Dora Akinyi, a trader in Mombasa, met a man through a popular online dating app. The man said he lived upcountry. After chatting for a while, the man offered to visit Dora in Mombasa.
She was excited because she thought she had met a nice man; she had fantasies about a white wedding.
“When he arrived in Mombasa, we had drinks. I was shocked when he suggested we spend the night in a lodging. I was disappointed, realising this man who I had thought of so highly was only after a casual encounter. I got up, took my handbag and told him off before I walked out,” Dora says.
How people react
People react to relationship breakups in different ways, ranging from relief and acceptance to shock and confusion. Some people say they feel a sense of grief. Relationships end in different ways. One partner may initiate the breakup, or the relationship may end by mutual consent.
The American Psychological Association (APA) lists some of the feelings experienced following the breakup of a romantic relationship. The feelings are loneliness, distress and a loss of personal identity.
Not all breakups are negative. As APA reports, some people experience positive emotions, particularly when the relationship did not expand the self and when personal growth occurred after the break-up.
Some individuals may develop thoughts of harming themselves or attacking their ex-partner. This could explain the cases of violence reported in the news, where an ex-lover viciously attacks the other for refusing to get back together. Many suicides have occurred as a consequence of relationships going sour.
The desire to get back to how things were before the break-up may push some individuals into desperate attempts at reconciliation. Often, they are motivated by the fear of abandonment and loneliness. There’s also the fear of shame, especially if the relationship was known to family and friends.
Psychology Today magazine talks of rejected lovers so determined to rekindle the romance that they become stalkers. No amount of humiliation and avoidance will convince such persons that the relationship is truly over. This could be a habit learnt during childhood after watching one parent struggle to win the other’s affection and not getting it.
“Ukiachwa, wachika (when you get left, accept it),” goes a popular saying. Hidden in those two words is a piece of advice discouraging the tendency of clinging onto someone who is clearly no longer interested in you.
On the other hand, many people testify of how they won over a reluctant partner through sheer persistence. The key, then, is to strike a balance between making reasonable efforts to salvage the relationship and letting go.
A romantic partner who has announced his or her intention to leave the relationship will not welcome incessant calls and a constant stream of text messages. Neither will they welcome impromptu visits at home or work. With such actions, you are dangerously close to becoming a stalker.
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