The grief of not having grandkids is valid — but so, too, are the reasons people are choosing not to have children today.
Much has been written about the falling birth rate and the reasons some millennials and Gen Zers are deciding not to have kids. But now a New York Times story about their parents — i.e., boomers and Gen Xers — mourning a life without grandkids has gone viral. And some younger folks just aren’t having it.
In the article, “The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent,” older parents whose adult children do not intend to have kids of their own talk about the yearning and disappointment they may feel while simultaneously respecting their children’s decision to remain child-free.
The Times article states that would-be grandparents “may experience a deep sense of longing and loss when their children opt out of parenthood, even if they understand at an intellectual level that their children do not ‘owe’ them a family legacy,” according to grief therapist Claire Bidwell Smith.
The number of older adults who may not ever become grandparents appears to be growing. According to a 2018 Pew Research Center survey, 37% of U.S. adults younger than 50 said they were unlikely to ever have kids. By 2023, that number had increased to 47%.
The top reason people say they’re not having kids, according to recent Pew data, is simple: They just don’t want any. Other major reasons include concerns about the high cost of raising kids, the climate crisis and the current state of the world.
Child care costs have continued to increase, putting significant financial strain on families. On average, parents today are spending almost a quarter of their household income on child care and are often dipping into savings to cover the expense, according to Care.com’s 2024 Cost of Care Report. For reference, the Department of Health and Human Services says that child care is considered “affordable” when it costs no more than 7% of household’s income.
Then there’s also a housing crisis to contend with. Home prices have far outpaced wage growth over the last several decades. The median home price in the U.S. is more than $400,000 — that’s 40% higher than what millennials parents’ paid in 1990, even after adjusting for inflation, according to CNBC.
“Boomers sitting in their paid off 4-bedroom homes in the suburbs while their kids drown in debt and a skyrocketed cost of living watching winter rapidly disappear: ‘But what about what WE want,’” @thesarahyork wrote in a viral post on X.
User @AdamSinger echoed a similar point: “‘How could this have happened,’ we cried from our vacation home while our kids were barely affording groceries,” he wrote.
President-elect Donald Trump’s recent victory and fears about what his second term may look like has also made some folks more wary of bringing kids into the world.
“I keep seeing people posting the article about the unspoken pain of never becoming a grandparent right near posts with articles about the future dissolution of the Department of Education, and well…there are some clues!” user @itsonlyzach tweeted.
Others took issue with the use of the word “unspoken” in the New York Times headline, as they have found older adults to be quite comfortable voicing their disappointment about not having grandkids.
“Sorry what do you mean *unspoken* Parents who have this grief pile it on to their children ALL the time,” user @ifetalksback posted on X.
And while these frustrations from younger generations are justified, there is also space to acknowledge the pain of older adults whose dream of becoming grandparents won’t come to fruition.
Writer Sophie Vershbow posted on X: “I’ve seen a lot of people dunking on this headline, but as an only child who likely won’t have kids, I deeply empathize with my parents’ disappointment at not getting to be grandparents. It’s OK to validate their grief without having it impact your personal choice.”
Two things can be true: Millennials and Gen Zers inherited a world that is, in many ways, far more challenging than the one their parents raised them in. On the other hand, boomers and Gen Xers are allowed to feel sad that this chapter of their life will look much different than they had envisioned.
In a follow-up post, Vershbow clarified that while saying you’re “bummed” to not be a grandparent is OK, “guilting your kids about not giving you grandkids = not OK.”
User @Democracyotdead pointed out that many folks feel sympathy for those dealing with infertility or people who want to be in a relationship but haven’t found a good partner. Why then, don’t we extend that concern to people who are sad about not having grandkids?
“You aren’t OWED a spouse, or children, or grandchildren, but allowing yourself to be sad about losing out on these seems honest and normal,” @DemocracyotdeaD wrote on X. “[Of course] part of the issue is wannabe grandparents not using good boundaries in dealing with their grief. But that doesn’t make the grief invalid.”
It is possible for parents to talk about their disappointment about not having grandchildren in a way that doesn’t put pressure on their grown kids. Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Torri Efron advised using the word “and” rather than “but” when trying to express these thoughts.
“The statement, ‘I hear you don’t want kids, but I am so sad about that as I had thought I would be a grandparent’ lands a lot differently than ‘I hear you don’t want kids and I am so sad about that as I had thought I would be a grandparent,’” she told HuffPost.
Parents can also make it clear that they are not looking for their kid to have a change of heart or otherwise “fix” their disappointment or other negative emotions.
“This can take a lot of pressure away from the child and allow them to simply listen and empathize without feeling guilty or pressure to change their own choices,” Efron said.
The same goes for adult children. They, too, should be able to “express their concerns and reasonings for not wanting to have children without their parents offering solutions such as ‘We can help you with money’ or ‘We will watch the kids while you are working,’” she added.
“Sometimes when trying to have conversations about painful things, offering solutions can make a person feel unheard and invalidated, rather than simply acknowledging their feelings and allowing them to have them,” Efron said.
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