We’ve all been there — but ignoring it may actually be more problematic than you realize.
If you’re a human living on this planet, you’ve likely experienced a full-body shiver when remembering an embarrassing thing you did. Maybe you’ve even uttered the phrase “why did I say that?” many months after an awkward interaction.
On social media and online, this experience is sometimes referred to as a “cringe attack,” which can be described as the “intense physical or emotional experience related to a past memory that causes feelings of embarrassment, distress, shame or social anxiety,” said Zoe Kinsey, a licensed mental health counselor at Self Space in Washington state. These uncomfortable memories often occur in social, familial or romantic situations.
So-called cringe attacks catch you off guard, added Danica Harris, a somatic therapist and coach based in Texas. For example, that embarrassing text you sent three years ago probably popped into your head seemingly out of nowhere. But while it might seem random, it actually was probably tied to internal or external factors, like an ad for a certain brand or the anniversary of a fight you had with a loved one, Harris said.
When experiencing a cringe attack, Harris said your brain probably thinks it’s saving you from having another shame-inducing moment ― but it’s not. We don’t need to drag ourselves through the mud remembering that one uncomfortable thing we said on a first date. But that’s easier said than done. Here’s why:
We tend to hyper-fixate on the ‘wrongs’ because they threaten our sense of social safety.
Cringe attacks are a totally normal human experience for many reasons, according to experts.
It starts with our negativity bias. “We get really hyper-focused on things we mess up on, and then we lose perspective on all the things we do right,” Harris said. For instance, you can probably remember every single detail of that one awkward interaction with your boss but probably can’t remember the details of the dozens of positive interactions that have happened since.
Moreover, cringe attacks remind us that we’re human, not the picture-perfect creatures social media shows.
“I think so many of us, maybe even most of us, are pretty afraid of our full humanity showing, both because we’re worried about judgment, but also it’s that vulnerability piece … if I let my humanity show, does that mean that someone will take advantage of me or someone will judge me?” Harris said.
People just want to feel accepted and like they belong, Harris added. “So these moments where we make ‘mess ups’ or ‘mistakes,’ they’re a threat to our acceptance, or so we believe they are. They may not actually be a threat,” she continued.
“According to the social safety theory, we are naturally social creatures and pack animals at the end of the day,” said Kinsey, adding that this is true whether you’re an introvert or extrovert. “Quite a bit of our socially-based anxiety can come from a perceived threat to this social safety system, [which] provides social connectedness and helps to meet our basic human needs. Our brains will remember instances where it felt like the system was being jeopardized.”
Think about it: If you have an uncomfortable interaction with a loved one, your mind could easily race to the worst-case scenario, like this interaction means the end of your friendship.
Cringe attacks may be most common among perfectionists, people-pleasers and those who are highly critical.
“I think this is probably something that particularly affects perfectionists or people who have grown up believing they have to get it all right or can’t be seen in negative light by anyone, because that’s detrimental to [their] sense of safety, sense of autonomy, sense of self,” Harris said.
The same goes for people-pleasers who believe they have to be “good” to stay safe, she added. “And if you do something that you’re viewing as ‘wrong,’ then your safety is in danger. People’s perception of you is in danger. And maybe most importantly, your own perception of you is in danger,” Harris said.
For people with a good sense of self and a functional ego, cringe attacks may be pretty rare. “But if you’re someone who is really hard on yourself, incredibly self-critical, if you view yourself as someone who’s highly flawed, messing up all the time, I think that negativity bias is going to be even stronger,” Harris said. “And so you’re probably more prone to revisiting these cringe attacks.”
There are ways to deal with cringe attacks when they pop up.
It’s normal to want to push uncomfortable memories away, but it’s not the best way to move forward.
When we try to push something out of our heads, it actually keeps it in our minds. “We can’t actually release something until we look at it, hold it, tend to it and then come to a new conclusion,” Harris said.
It’s better to acknowledge that something made you feel temporarily embarrassed while also acknowledging that it didn’t affect you or your relationships long-term, she added.
During this moment, you can acknowledge that this awkward situation happened back then while reminding yourself that it was the past and that this is the present, Harris explained. This allows you to move forward.
“Most people, when they feel embarrassed, they want to tuck it away, hide it, put it in the darkness somewhere, which then just keeps it in the negativity loop in the mind and in the body,” Harris said. Then, when a perceived mess-up happens again, your mind immediately goes back to the cringey moments in your past.
“What’s most helpful is probably just acknowledging, ‘I’m human. I mess up. Everyone messes up. We’re allowed to make mistakes,’” Harris said.
Additionally, it might help to remember that people don’t care as much as you think. “I like to remind my clients that a lot of the time, no one takes the things we do more personally than ourselves. In other words, we are our own worst critic,” Kinsey said. “We are always operating from our own perspective, based on our own unique experiences, and so is everyone else. Most likely, the memories you have might not look the same to someone else as they do for you. And better yet, the other people involved might not have noticed the embarrassing behavior.”
Cringe attacks shouldn’t take over your whole day, though they should be moments of discomfort. If they are debilitating, something else may be at play.
If you are holding on to a lot of shame that’s causing these cringe attacks, working with a therapist is also going to be helpful, Harris said. “Shame is so much deeper. And I think in my experience, what I’ve noticed is that it is incredibly hard for people to eradicate shame on their own because it becomes so fused with their identity and their sense of self.”
Kinsey added, “There is a big difference between experiencing a cringe attack and experiencing something like an intrusive thought, excessive rumination, a PTSD flashback, an anxiety attack or a panic attack. Cringe attacks shouldn’t be causing enough distress to be putting a damper on your whole day or week. If you are experiencing frequent distress, it may be worth seeing if something more is happening.” In this case, talking to a mental health provider can be the key.
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