For a long time, infidelity in marriage was seen through the lens of a partner who cheats with an unmarried individual. This trend seems to be changing. In many affairs within marriages today, partners are going for individuals who are equally married while deliberately shunning singletons.
Take June and Emmanuel’s marriage of six years. The two love birds who are both Nairobi-based accountants have been blessed with two children, a 5-year-old girl and a two-year old boy. Among their friends, June, 34, and Emmanuel, 35, are the SI unit of a good marriage. “We both value our marriage. Only death will do us apart,” says Emmanuel. Yet, behind his wife’s back, he has been having an affair. His affair isn’t with a young single woman, but rather a 32-year-old married woman.
“She has been married for the past four years. She has one child. Her friends believe she is happy and content in her marriage,” he says.
Asked if he and his side woman can quit their marriages and get together without hiding behind the curtains, Emmanuel says that they both can never. “Ours is an affair of convenience. We can never quit our marriages to be with one another,” he says.
According to psychologist Ken Munyua, many married couples get attracted to each other because they have certain needs that are not being met by their partners. If they choose to start an affair, they will be bound by the fulfillment of these unmet needs.
“They already have someone taking care of them at home, but there is a missing ingredient that will tip them over. It could be company, sexual comfort, emotional fulfillment, boredom or even the thrill of forbidden love,” he says. His thoughts are echoed by Esther Perel, the author of Mating in Captivity.
“It is not usually about the person being cheated on but the person who’s cheating. It isn’t so much that we’re looking for another person, as much as we’re looking for another self. We are in a culture where we feel entitled to pursue and attain our total desires,” she says.
For Emmanuel, his relationship with his married mpango wa kando is glued together by common sexual interests and adventure. “Our spouses are both introverts while we are outgoing people. While Emmanuel enjoys a regular sex life with his partner, he says that his married mpango wa kando is more sexually adventurous and compatible with him.
“We like to explore our wild side, and push our intimate fantasies to the extreme, something our partners shy away from,” Emmanuel says.
According to Ms. Perel, in seeking total comfort, modern marriages such as Emmanuel’s might be squashing novelty and adventure, which are critical for adding spice in a relationship, inadvertently paving way for sexual affairs.
Many of those who prefer to have extra affairs with fellow married partners, say they feel better understood. “If a man or woman is having an affair with another married partner, he or she may feel better understood than having an affair with a single person who may either feel used, or just be in it for the money,” says Munyua.
According to Amy Calhoun, the author of You May Call it Cheating But We Don’t, it may be alright for a married partner to be intimate with a friend of the opposite sex without endangering the marriage. Getting attracted to other partners is a normal aspect of marriage, including unions that are happy and getting successful. But while such relationships may be considered safer and could go on undetected, they are not advocated for. “If you have trouble with your partner such as your needs being ignored, it may be normal for you to look outside for fulfillment. You may meet someone and get really successful. But this success will not, though, make your affair right whether it is with a fellow married partner or not,” cautions Munyua.
In some instances, affairs between married couples have ended up with wife swapping. Three years ago for instance, Kevin Barasa and Christopher Abwire from Busia County swapped their wives, Lillian Weta and Millicent Auma. They also signed a joint parental responsibility agreement before Busia County Director of Child Services, Esther Wasige, to ensure that the five children they had between them continued to have proper parental care. In other cases, married couples have been willingly swinging partners for sex.
Joseph Orinde, a sociologist who also practices psychologist, says that the concept of marriage and sexual commitment in the society has evolved. “Social behaviour is evolving, and this evolution is challenging sexual interactions and marital models that were previously thought of as taboo,” says Orinde.
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