Here’s What Millennials Say About Sex In Therapy

I’m not confident about my body.

Struggling with one’s body image is common across a number of demographic groups, including millennials. That lack of confidence can seriously inhibit a person’s desire for and enjoyment of sex.

“This one is particularly common with my female clients, though it’s not exclusive to women or millennials,” clinical psychologist Gina Delucca said. “Sex may be completely avoided due to body insecurities, or there may be more subtle types of avoidance, like only having sex with the lights off, only having sex when drunk or avoiding certain positions. Someone may have trouble being in the moment and truly enjoying themselves because they are so focused on what their body looks like while having sex.”

Duley said her millennial clients often deal with these insecurities, particularly after having kids or putting on weight. She works with them to stop tying their self-worth to a number on the scale and helping them recognize and appreciate the many things their bodies are capable of.

“I encourage them to focus on all the wonderful things their bodies do for them and learn to love their so-called imperfections by affirming to themselves that they’re lovable and desirable as a whole, not by dissecting their body piece by piece,” Duley said.

I’m still sexually attracted to other people, even though I’m in a relationship.

Just because you’re coupled up doesn’t mean you suddenly have blinders on that stop you from noticing or interacting with interesting and attractive people out in the world. As long as you’re not acting on those feelings in ways that betray your partner’s trust or take you away from your relationship, it’s usually harmless.

Yet a number of Goldstein’s millennial clients feel guilty when they experience a very normal attraction to another human being.

“A huge part of the work in these moments is honoring the guilty feelings that come up for folks, and also challenging the dominant narrative that suggests we are not allowed to be sexually curious about people outside of our partnerships,” Goldstein said.

I’m scared of getting an STI.

“There is sometimes hesitation to broach these topics with their sexual partner due to concerns of ruining the moment, insulting the other person or being perceived negatively,” Delucca said. “Despite how common STIs are, there is still a lot of shame and stigma surrounding them. As such, clients who have concerns over contracting them typically worry about how something like this would impact their self-perception and dating life.”

If you’re concerned you may have contracted something, stop Googling and make an appointment to get tested. That way you can either have peace of mind if you test negative or look into treatment options if need be, Delucca said.

I don’t think my partner and I are having sex as often as we should be.

Among Goldstein’s millennial clients who are in relationships, a common worry is that they’re not having enough sex with their partners. Of course, there’s no one one-size-fits-all “right” amount of sex. What might be too little for one person (twice a month, let’s say) is just enough for another.

“Often, this concern is coupled with assumptions,” Goldstein said. “The most common assumptions are that if you are in love with your partner, the desire to jump their bones should last forever. The other is that everyone else is having way more sex than you are.”

In truth, Goldstein says most millennial couples are having sex once or twice a week on average, not every single day, as some of her clients seem to think.

I’m worried I’m not good in bed.

Sexual performance anxiety is common, especially for millennials who grew up with easy access to porn, in which erections and over-the-top orgasms are bountiful and seemingly effortless.

“The problem with this is that they might be adding undue pressure on themselves to perform, which can result in anxiety and can actually impair performance,” Delucca said. “These concerns can also take someone out of the moment or lead them to focus too much on pleasing or impressing their partner as opposed to letting go and focusing on their own sexual needs.”

Try to stay present and in your body, rather than feeling like you have to put on a show for your partner.

“Sex does not need to be a showcase of your skills or a reenactment of a porno, and faking enjoyment serves nobody,” Delucca said. “Focus on and communicate what you find pleasurable, while also encouraging your partner to do the same.”