I’m homesick.
For a world that is trapped at home, this may sound like an odd thing to say. Like everyone else, I’m isolating in my house, staring at 4 walls, how can it be possible to miss home?
I suspect I’m not alone in feeling that however far I travel, home will always be my native country. England is a place that offers an unparalleled feeling of comfortable nostalgia and belonging. I wonder if this is true for all expats, for all traveller’s? Or if it’s possible to find a forever home away from the place that you were raised?
I’ve lived in Africa for over 8 years and am rarely beset by homesickness. I have pangs of missing out when it’s a birthday or when I see pictures on Facebook, but as time has passed and I’ve lost contact with friends, England feels like a dream, another life. A time and place that is too distant in memory and miles to actively miss. So the homesickness hit me out the blue. Suddenly, I have never felt further from home.
Should we stay or should we go?
Like most expats in Kenya, we had to decide at the beginning of last week if we were to leave the country or not. We were given 48 hours notice that the borders were closing.
We were warned that the virus would be hard to contain given living conditions in the villages around Kenya. That hospital beds would be in high demand and medical supplies lacking. We were also told that there was a growing feeling of animosity towards foreigners who it was thought were to blame for bringing the virus. I’ve received messages saying I shouldn’t write this, that its scaremongering but that makes it no less true. The Kenyan government is doing a good job, but the threat of managing the virus in one of the world’s poorest continents cannot be underestimated.
My husband’s company offered to fly myself and the children home but my husband had to stay. The only easy decision to make was the one to stay together. I feel so much for families that are separated with kids in boarding school or a partner in the forces.
Home is where I lay my hat?
In the end, we decided to stay. It was a tough decision to make. England is home in my heart but Nairobi is our actual home, our physical safe place. We didn’t want to leave our home here in Kenya, but we wanted to make sure our family was safe. My main concern was are we doing the right thing for our children. In the end, we felt that less upheaval and staying secure in our house was the best thing to do. I along with half the expat community had a few days of sleepless nights before arriving at our decision, and honestly, I’m still not sure if I’ve made the right choice.
So it’s shocked me to feel homesickness. I am beset by overwhelming feelings of longing for England. After years of feeling ambivalent about returning home, the minute the borders were shut I’ve never wanted to walk down Guildford high street more. I miss it all. My family and friends obviously, but also the cobbled streets of my home town, crisp English mornings and trees with no leaves, daffodils, shit TV, pubs that smell of beers and soggy beermats, pork pies, wet grass, the slow flow of the river Thames. When shit goes down, England is my emotional safe place, my cocoon. However far I travel I know England and England knows me.
Home is where the heart is
I love Kenya too. I love it for the way it makes me feel alive and free, and for the fact that a lot of the time I’m living outside my comfort zone, but in a crisis, I crave the nursery halls of childhood, my middle England, bangers and mash, vanilla ice cream, comfort blanket.
In Kenya, the borders are closed and England is out of reach. I’ll stand tall with my adopted home country but it isn’t easy. As I fight to keep the black dog of depression from nipping at my heels, I am taking the time to appreciate what I have around me. The beauty of Kenya, the kindness of its people, the caring calls and texts from friends.
Here are my top tips for turning your frown upside down:
Exercise
Sometimes the only time I feel like myself is when I’m exercising. I am walking the dog every day and trying to run or cycle a little. Failing that 10 minutes yoga. If nothing else it makes me feel like I’ve done something other than sitting on the sofa in my pants all day. Getting out the house makes me feel uplifted. There is beauty to be found all around. Go for a walk and look up not down, and take note of the things that make you smile..
Top tip: if you have kids then kill two birds with one stone and take them with you. Kids can walk and ride. Every single time I get outside I feel 100% better.
Stay connected
We live in a connected world. Keep in touch with friends and family, there are so many options now: Whatsapp, Skype, Zoom and I’m sure tons other. Make a Tik Tok, make your friends laugh with JibJab.
Try not to fall into bad habits
This is hypocritical of me to say. I’ve been stuffing family-sized bars of chocolate with a wine chaser down my face most days, but I do find that the odd day where I eat salad and stick to just one glass I feel better about myself, and therefore better about the world and life in general
Pick a time of day to get factual information
I’m sure we have all spent hours on our phones googling COVID-19 stats, but I’ve decided to limit time spent pouring over information. I’m on a good WhatsApp group that gives up important up to date information and I check the https://www.newszetu.com/health page once a day for all the local information. I have completely stopped looking at the UK, Spain, Italy statistics. It all feels like too much. I can only deal with what I have on my plate here in Kenya.
Spend less time on social media
Man, it’s so easy to spend hours and hour looking at Facebook and Instagram but it’s a soul-sucking way to spend your life. Read a book, start a blog, plan a holiday for 2021, start sewing masks for the community, start a fundraiser to help those who need it most. Anything, really anything but social media.
Routine
At the moment I’m being pretty slack with the kids as its Easter holidays but as soon as school ‘starts’ then I plan to timetable their day. Even if it’s an hour of schoolwork, an hour of bug hunting and an hour of exercise.
I’ve found it helpful to have some sort of routine. It might be, get up, clean up, run, write then drink, but having a structure makes me feel more in control. It also makes the weekends more of a treat. Small things. Small things.
Meditate
Look I can’t meditate, bloody chattering monkey brain or whatever it’s called, but I do see the value in taking 10 minutes in the morning to regulate negative self-talk. To set goals for the day, even if it’s the most basic timetable imaginable (1. Go for that walk 2. Clean the house 3. Cook a nice dinner). The days that I don’t do this I find myself in my PJ’s at lunchtime filled with self loathing. The days I give myself 5 minutes after waking up are more productive and I feel better mentally.
Be Kind
In a world where you can be anything, be kind. I’ve enjoyed reaching out to people I haven’t spoken to in a while and doing the odd unexpected nice thing. It makes me feel better and I hope it cheers others up. That said, no nasty messages about buggering off to my own country please. I write a blog from my heart, not one where you can vent your personal angst on me in a private message.
In the immortal words of C.S. Lewis:
Onwards and Upwards.
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