How To Deal With Hurtful Comments From Homophobic Family Members

Generally, most adults will have conflicts with their parents at some point in their lives. However, people in the LGBTQ+ community can face additional issues if their family members aren’t accepting of their sexuality or gender identity.

Family members’ views might be influenced by religion, racial-ethnic identity, what they see as sociocultural norms and even structural racism — leading them to try to exert power and control over LGBTQ+ individuals through hurtful comments and behaviors. All these factors can result in a higher risk of LGBTQ+ individuals experiencing poverty and being unhoused, and feeling isolated from their family or community.

Hurtful language can include refusal to respect pronouns, shaming, embarrassing or threatening through verbal or physical violence, and are all forms of harassment and abuse. LGBTQ+ people can also face additional forms of abuse or barriers when trying to access support.

According to a 2022 study in the Journal of American Medical Association Psychiatry, 83% of LGBTQ+ individuals experienced at least one adverse childhood experience, including a higher exposure to emotional and sexual abuse, which affected mental health.

The effects of parental rejection, or a parent’s absence or withdrawal, due to a lack of understanding can make their way into adulthood, especially when someone is still living in the same household as their parents.

“LGBTQ+ people internalize the negative beliefs about them, and this contributes to their higher rates of emotional pain,” said Adam D. Blum, a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of the Gay Therapy Center. “Science also shows us that humans have a built-in need for safe attachment to their caregivers. Parental acceptance and support is directly related to better mental health outcomes.”

With rejection and trauma — including homophobia, transphobia, bullying and identity-based shame — being an important indicator of LGBTQ+ people’s mental health, we asked psychologists about ways to communicate with homophobic family members.

Don’t feel obligated to educate.

Homophobia can come from a place of miseducation or a lack of education. However, it’s not necessarily the responsibility of LGBTQ+ individuals to educate anyone, said Dr. Brad Brenner, a psychologist at the Therapy Group of DC.

“They should never feel obligated to educate others at the expense of their mental health,” Brenner said. “Some people may need to outsource this, and many organizations and professionals can inform others about LGBTQ+ history, identities and issues.”

Resources are available for those who want to learn about LGBTQ+ health and rights. However, if you find yourself in a position where you can share educational resources or experience without personal expense, it might be helpful.

“Each person’s situation is unique, and it will depend on various factors such as their safety, emotional resources at the time, and the receptiveness of their family members,” Brenner said. “It’ll take courage, but only if someone feels comfortable, safe and believes it will make a difference.”

If there comes a time when you don’t feel comfortable talking or answering questions about your sexual orientation or gender identity, setting boundaries can help establish guidelines and prioritize your well-being.

Set boundaries.

Boundaries can be physical, emotional and interpersonal — identifying what you feel comfortable or appropriate discussing with others. As a result, setting limits or creating a space can be helpful in maintaining personal comfort. Self-reflection, including understanding your own feelings and sensitivities, can help you establish what your boundaries are.

“Think about what comments or behaviors cause you distress,” Brenner said. “Once you’ve identified these, the next step is pragmatic communication. It’s like drawing a line in the sand — let your family member know what’s crossing the line for you and why.”

Communicating these thoughts can be difficult, especially when family members don’t agree, react negatively or don’t listen. However, reinforcing boundaries, especially when they are crossed repeatedly, can help to clarify importance and remind others of your needs.

“Maintain a calm and assertive stance during this conversation. Consistency is key here,” Brenner said. “Remember, the goal here isn’t to change the other person, but to safeguard your emotional well-being. Practice with a trusted friend a few times, and it’ll get easier.”

Boundaries can help people recognize that you deserve to be treated with respect and helps to avoid burnout, stress and anxiety. However, if boundaries are continuously crossed, it’s important to find support and community in other ways.

Find community outside of your family.

It can be difficult and frustrating to discuss problems about your identity with people who don’t have similar interests, values or beliefs. With that being said, it can also be hard to find a community, depending on your location.

Finding a community can help with feelings of belonging, support and purpose, especially for people who are experiencing isolation and loneliness. Community can build a sense of belonging that you might not be able to find in a family setting, as well as support during difficult situations. As a result, LGBTQ+ people should develop support systems, Blum said.

“Living with homophobic people can easily erode your self-confidence.
Your top priority should be to develop friendships with other compassionate
LGBTQ+ people,” Blum said. “Making and maintaining friendships takes time and is a lot of work, but all the best things in life take effort.”

It’s also important to seek out professionals who can understand what you’re going through and reassure your experiences.

“You might consider online communities, local LGBTQ+ organizations, or mental health professionals specializing in LGBTQ+ issues,” Brenner said.

Generally, the CDC has a list of resources for LGBTQ+ adults and youth, including health services in each state.

Develop coping strategies.

Managing your thoughts and behaviors can help you manage stressful internal and external situations. Proactive coping allows you to neutralize stressors and become less reactive.

Common reactions to stress can include feelings of shock, anger, fear, worry, numbness or frustration. However, it’s natural to feel stress, anxiety and grief during traumatic events.

Healthy coping skills can mean actively engaging in conversation, seeking social support, reassuring yourself and expressing emotions, which are associated with control and psychological well-being. Additionally, emotional wellness may be managed through sleep, exercise and taking time for yourself.

“Engage in activities that help manage stress and promote emotional well-being,” Brenner said. “Meditation, reading, working out or other activities that bring joy and relaxation are excellent places to start.”

Have a safety plan.

Planning for safety can mean having a friend to call or sharing your situation with others. However, if a family members escalates to violence, making sure you have a safe space is important.

Different examples of abusive behavior include physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological and technological abuse.

A safety plan can help detail how to navigate if someone restrains economic resources, undermines an individual’s self worth, threatening physical harm, attempting to coerce sexual acts or monitor any form of technology.

“If things at home turn unsafe, know where to go,” Brenner said. “Have a safe place or a trusted person on speed dial.”

Protecting yourself can begin with recognizing abusive patterns and having a safety plan, or a plan of actions to keep you safe. The National Domestic Violence Hotline allows for free, confidential calls and texting, including safely reaching out for support. Also, The Trevor Project connects LGBTQ+ youth in crisis with counselors and support.

Consider getting professional help.

People within the LGBTQ+ community are more likely to experience mental health conditions compared to heterosexual and cisgendered adults. LGBTQ+ youth are twice as likely to experience persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness. Transgender youth and twice as likely to experience depressive symptoms, consider suicide and attempt suicide compared to cisgender LGBTQ+ individuals.

“If the situation causes significant distress, consider finding a mental health professional,” Brenner said. “Therapists can provide strategies for managing stress, setting boundaries, and dealing with conflict.”

With multiple stressors including homophobia and discrimination, issues around coming out, communicating with family, and finding support or resources, LGBTQ+ or LGBTQ+-friendly therapists can help validate experiences and understand social stigma and anti-LGBTQ+ experiences. Online resources can help determine what therapist is best fit for specific needs.