Shirley’s New Year resolution is to divorce her husband and concentrate on her profession and caring for her three children.
“I have only two options,” she says, “to quit the marriage or to die; but death would disadvantage my children so the better option is to quit the marriage.”
She has an elaborate plan of how she will exit the relationship in three months.
“By April I will be in my own house with my children in new schools,” she concludes.
Shirley is 38 and has been married for the last ten years. She calls her entry into marriage a sexual accident and says the accident has turned into a nightmare.
“It was in a party and we were all high and dancing,” she explains, “I still can’t remember how I finally ended up in bed with this man.”
The result was an unplanned pregnancy and a HIV infection. To console herself, she went ahead to marry a man she knew little about. With each day that passed for the ten years that they have been married, she got increasingly convinced that she made a grave mistake. The relationship deteriorated from a state of co-existence to hate and finally violence. The man had turned into a womanizer and an alcoholic. He got violent after drinking. Shirley feared for her life and that of her children.
Shirley’s story is a reminder of the complexities around sex. Sex is a double-edged sword; it can build or destroy your life completely. To avoid accidents like Shirley’s you should have some principles and boundaries. Let us call it sex planning. Your aim should be to limit if not abolish sexual accidents completely.
There are several pointers to sexual accidents which should alert you that you are on a slippery path and planning is needed. The first is when you have to run frantically to a shop to buy the emergency contraceptive pill. Thank heavens this pill exists for it has saved many people from dire consequences.
You should, however, be aware that your sexual planning is poor when you have to swallow the pill unless it is a case of rape or a burst condom. You never know what the consequence of the next accident will be even if you would have prevented an unwanted pregnancy. So step back and reorganise your sex life, if the morning-after pill is your to go for contraception method.
The second pointer to sex accidents is when you are psychologically tortured after sexual exposure. Healthy sexuality leads to peace of mind and a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction, not stress and depression. Listen to your sixth sense; follow your heart rather than the heat of your body. Regrets come when the heart, the mind, and the body are not aligned, That’s when there are internal conflicts. You should therefore be very worried if your sexual actions are contrary to your values leading to internal conflicts.
There are life-changing pointers to sexual accidents that you should be aware of; unwanted pregnancy, whether carried to term or aborted, is one such situation. Wrong timing or the occurrence of pregnancy in people who already have the number of children that they desire is a common problem.
The big joke in reproductive health circles is that most of us are really accidents; that our mothers never intended to conceive us. We can learn from others who have been victims of unwanted and unplanned pregnancies and choose to use contraceptives.
Finally, the occurrence of infections including HIV is an unfortunate result of sexual accidents. It is a good practice to know your HIV status as part of sex planning. If you are negative, ensure that you plan to remain negative. If you are positive take it easy; seek healthcare and plan not to infect others. The good news is that there are medicines to take care of HIV and positive people live normal lives.
For some people, 2022 is the year to face a difficult sex problem and seek treatment. Some people suffer in silence for years because they do not know what to do with a sex problem. There is hope, however; we can now get solutions to almost all sex problems. Sexologists, sex therapists, and sexual educators exist just to help you.
Do have a sexually planned and satisfying 2022 with no regrets like Shirley’s.
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