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DJ GalloESPN.com
Drafting remotely might be new for NFL general managers, but it’s old hat for fantasy players, who are quite used to drafting on a clock much tighter than 10 minutes and still have time to lay down the smack talk in the online chat.
In honor of life imitating art — because good smack talk is indeed an art form — we imagined what it might be like if the 32 NFL GMs were instead participating in a fantasy draft.
***DRAFT IS OPEN***
MikeBrown: I know we’re on the clock for the 1st pick. But just want to wait my full time in case Bill O’Brien offers a deal I can’t turn down.
SteveKeimAzGM: Unexpectedly savvy, Mr. Brown.
MikeBrown: This actually isn’t Mr. Brown. He goes to bed at 7:30 after Wheel of Fortune. This is his administrative assistant. I’m drafting for him.
TennGM: Just an FYI, everybody: Bill O’Brien told me he’s going to be late for the draft. He’s trading in his MacBook Pro for a desktop IBM with Windows 95. Said he felt the MacBook Pro was “too showy” for what he needs. So we can start.
MikeBrown: OK.
***#1 CINCINNATI DRAFTS: Joe Burrow, QB, LSU***
MikeBrown: We finally have a franchise QB!
SteelersGM: But Joe Burrow said he wants to be a winner. You’ve ruined his dreams.
MikeBrown: Super funny. Good luck finding a replacement for Roethlisberger at pick 49. You have a better chance of building one out of food particles pulled from his beard.
***#2 WASHINGTON DRAFTS: Cole Kmet, TE, NOTRE DAME***
2 Related
EagleRoseman: Hahahahaha. Way too early for a TE.
WashGM: Well, we really need a TE and Kmet is the best on the board.
EagleRoseman: Huh. I can’t imagine needing a TE. We have two good ones in Zach Ertz and Dallas Goedert. TWO!
WashGM: We basically only have Jeremy Sprinkle right now.
EagleRoseman: Pretty sure that’s a made-up name.
***#3 DETROIT DRAFTS: Tua Tagovailoa, QB, ALABAMA***
GBsGM: Why?!?! You already have Stafford.
BobQuinn: I heard Belichick likes him, so that’s good enough for me.
GBsGM: Hahahahaha.
BobQuinn: Laugh it up. Let’s move on. The Giants are up.
DaveGettleman: Google, who are good football players?
DaveGettleman: GOOGLE, WHO ARE GOOD FOOTBALL PLAYERS?
EagleRoseman: Ohmigod I can’t believe this is happening. But also … I can.
DaveGettleman: Google draft Saquon Barkley
EagleRoseman: Dave, this is a rookie draft.
DaveGettleman: Is that you, Google?
EagleRoseman: Uh … sure?
DaveGettleman: Tell me how I draft Saquon Barkley.
EagleRoseman: “Just click the Draft button.” – Google
DaveGettleman: Thank you, Google.
***#4 N.Y. GIANTS DRAFT: Jonathan Taylor, RB, WISCONSIN***
EagleRoseman: Poor kid. Got Best Available’d to the Giants.
DaveGettleman: Google, you misspelled Saquon Barkley.
***#5 MIAMI DRAFTS: CeeDee Lamb, WR, OKLAHOMA***
TBsGM: Too bad you don’t have anyone to throw to him.
MiaGM: Ryan Fitzpatrick beat Tom Brady in Week 17 last year. Fitzmagic is also 5 years younger than Brady, had a higher QBR last season by 13 points and costs a fraction of what you’re paying Brady.
TBsGM: No need to get personal, man. Jeesh. We’re just trying to have some fun.
MiaGM: Also, I can just draft a QB later in this round if I want. I have like 40 picks in the 1st round.
TBsGM: Nobody likes a showoff.
***#6 L.A. CHARGERS DRAFT: Justin Herbert, QB, OREGON***
GMofLAC: From a quarterback with 15 kids to a quarterback who is a kid.
RamsGM: By the way, wanted to tell you that I love the new Chargers logo.
GMofLAC: We didn’t get a new logo. You did.
RamsGM: Are you sure? It looks like an L.A. Chargers logo.
GMofLAC: Sorry, that’s yours.
RamsGM: Whaaaaat?
***#7 CAROLINA DRAFTS: Jerry Jeudy, WR, ALABAMA***
PanthersGM: Huge weapon added to our offense. Not that it matters … this is a fantasy draft and since I have McCaffrey, I already pretty much won.
***#8 ARIZONA DRAFTS: Harrison Bryant, TE, FLORIDA ATLANTIC***
SteveKeimAzGM: Bit of a reach, but TE is a position of need, especially since we now have a superstar WR in his prime. And if this Bryant kid doesn’t pan out, I can always upsell him to Bill O’Brien.
BOB: Sorry, guys, just arrived to the draft. Did I miss anything? Any good rookie kickers been taken? I can trade you DeShaun Watson for one.
***#9 JACKSONVILLE DRAFTS: D’Andre Swift, RB, GEORGIA***
JaxGM: OK, there’s my new running back. Who wants Leonard Fournette?
JaxGM: Hello?
JaxGM: Leonard Fournette trade? Anyone?
JaxGM: Hello?
JaxGM: I think I’m having a problem with my Wi-Fi.
***#10 CLEVELAND DRAFTS: Henry Ruggs III, WR, ALABAMA***
SteelersGM: Why? You have Beckham and Landry. Wasted pick.
BrownsGM: Don’t make me hit you upside the head with a helmet.
***#11 N.Y. JETS DRAFT: Clyde Edwards-Helaire, RB, LSU***
MiaGM: Why are you drafting a dual-threat, pass-catching RB when you already have LeVeon Bell?
JetsGM: What about Jets football makes you think we do things logically??? But in all honesty, I just want to see the look on Gase’s face.
MiaGM: [eyes emoji]
JetsGM: I do love the analytics on this kid, though.
DaveGettleman: Google, what are analytics?
***#12 LAS VEGAS DRAFTS: Justin Jefferson, WR, LSU***
SteelersGM: What do you guys need a receiver for? Didn’t we trade you Antonio Brown like a year ago?
MikeMayock: No one likes the Steelers, you know.
SteelersGM: Maybe. But I sure like those two draft picks we got from you for him.
***#13 SAN FRANCISCO DRAFTS: Tee Higgins, WR, CLEMSON***
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JohnLynch: This guy should really help us replace Emmanuel Sanders.
KCsGM: Is he a big loss for you? He only had 3 catches for 38 yards in his last game.
KCsGM: Which was in the Super Bowl.
KCsGM: A game you lost.
KCsGM: To my team.
KCsGM: The Chiefs.
JohnLynch: Shut up.
***#14 TAMPA BAY DRAFTS: J.K. Dobbins, RB, OHIO STATE***
TBsGM: Yes! Dobbins falls to us! Just the back we needed!
MiaGM: Great. We’re all reeaally rooting for you.
SaintsGM: Yes. Everyone wants to see Tom Brady win again. We mean that “sincerely.”
***#15 DENVER DRAFTS: Jalen Reagor, WR, TEXAS***
JohnElway: Starting to think I’m never going to top my 2012 fantasy pick of Peyton Manning.
***#16 ATLANTA DRAFTS: Cam Akers, RB, FLORIDA STATE***
FalconsGM: I like this pick. Gives us good insurance if Todd Gurley isn’t 100%.
RamsGM: SPOILER ALERT: Todd Gurley isn’t 100%.
***#17 DALLAS DRAFTS: Brycen Hopkins, TE, PURDUE***
JerryJones: I am using my full draft budget for this pick.
EagleRoseman: This is a standard draft. There are no budgets.
JerryJones: Then I sign this young man to the largest TE contract in NFL history.
EagleRoseman: Rookie contracts are on a wage scale.
JerryJones: $75 million a year for Dak.
EagleRoseman: How do I not win this division every year?
JerryJones: How ’bout them Cowboys!
***#18 MIAMI DRAFTS: Zack Moss, RB, UTAH***
MiaGM: Got my running back! And I still have like 17 more picks this round.
BOB: Do you have a quarterback yet? I could give you one if you have a good kicker or defense.
MiaGM: Text me and we’ll get something done.
BOB: I can’t. I traded my cellphone for a ham radio.
***#19 LAS VEGAS DRAFTS: Jalen Hurts, QB, OKLAHOMA***
SteelersGM: Hopefully he’ll develop quick chemistry with Antonio Brown.
MikeMayock: I want to fight you.
SteelersGM: I will only fight if I can wear a Schutt AiR Advantage helmet.
***#20 JACKSONVILLE DRAFTS: AJ Dillon, RB, BOSTON COLLEGE***
JaxGM: Looks like my pick went through again. But is anyone seeing me in the chat?? Leonard Fournette is available in a trade. Hello?
MiaGM: We see you.
JaxGM: OK. Is the trading tool not working? I’ve not received any offers.
MiaGM: Sounds like it’s working fine.
***#21 PHILADELPHIA DRAFTS: Laviska Shenault Jr., WR, COLORADO***
EagleRoseman: Drafting for need here since Nelson Agholor is gone.
WashGM: So you’re saying you needed someone who can’t catch?
EagleRoseman: Obvious joke. But necessary.
WashGM: Who signed him anyway?
EagleRoseman: Raiders.
WashGM: Ahahahahahahaha.
EagleRoseman: I know, right? From Antonio Brown to Nelson Agholor.
MikeMayock: I’m not enjoying this draft at all.
***#22 MINNESOTA DRAFTS: Michael Pittman Jr., WR, USC***
GBsGM: Is this your 2020 pick or are you guys finally just getting your 2003 1st round pick entered?
VikesGM: Really went way back in time for that one.
GBsGM: If we didn’t cling to history here in Green Bay, we wouldn’t have much else.
***#23 NEW ENGLAND DRAFTS: Jordan Love, QB, UTAH STATE***
BobQuinn: Think you have your next franchise quarterback, Coach Belichick?
OnToTheNextPick: We obviously think he has some strong areas, as well as areas he needs to improve upon. We’ll see how things shake out in practice.
SteelersGM: Informative as always.
***#24 NEW ORLEANS DRAFTS: Eno Benjamin, RB, ARIZONA STATE***
SaintsGM: Benjamin a pounder who can help us better fill that Mark Ingram II role that we’re missing.
RavensGM: BIG TRUSS!
SaintsGM: I don’t know what that means.
RavensGM: I don’t think I do either, if I’m being honest.
***#25 MINNESOTA DRAFTS: Thaddeus Moss, TE, LSU***
VikesGM: Gives us even more TE depth and he’ll sell a ton of jerseys.
GBsGM: People buy Vikings jerseys??? LOL.
VikesGM: Sometimes quite a lot, actually. Thanks!
***#26 MIAMI DRAFTS: Jake Fromm, QB, GEORGIA***
TBsGM: Did you Bomb For Fromm? Haha.
JaxGM: What do you guys think about the slogan “Abhorrence For Lawrence”?
MiaGM: Terrible.
JaxGM: Good. Terrible is our goal for this season.
***#27 SEATTLE DRAFTS: Denzel Mims, WR, BAYLOR***
12thGMan: Tyler Lockett, DK Metcalf, Denzel Mims. Lots to like there.
SteveKeimAzGM: But you’ll still stupidly run it 40 times a game even though you have Russell Wilson and talented receivers.
12thGMan: Hey, I just pick the players.
***#28 BALTIMORE DRAFTS: Devin Duvernay, WR, TEXAS***
RavensGM: Ran a 4.39 40 at the combine. Another player for all of your guys to try to chase down.
TitansGM: Pretty sure we’ll figure it out. Thanks for looking out, though.
***#29 TENNESSEE DRAFTS: Ke’Shawn Vaughn, RB, VANDERBILT***
TitansGM: Best back left on the board gives us someone behind Derrick Henry.
DaveGettleman: Ask Jeeves, is Derrick Henry better than Saquon Barkley?
***#30 GREEN BAY DRAFTS: Donovan Peoples-Jones, WR, MICHIGAN***
GBsGM: Going for WR depth. Also considered Antonio Gandy-Golden.
VikesGM: Donovan Peoples-Jones, Antonio Gandy-Golden, Marquez Valdes-Scantling, Equanimeous St. Brown … you guys really love receivers with longer names than stat lines, huh?
GBsGM: Shut up.
***#31 SAN FRANCISCO DRAFTS: Brandon Aiyuk, WR, ARIZONA STATE***
JohnLynch: We have a lot of RB depth, we have our quarterback, so we’re adding to our receiver group here again.
OnToTheNextPick: Are you sure you have your quarterback?
JohnLynch: What is that supposed to mean?
OnToTheNextPick: Check your roster.
JohnLynch: ???
***#32 KANSAS CITY DRAFTS: Antonio Gibson, RB, MEMPHIS***
ChiefsGM: Letting us get more offensive talent is almost unfair, but so be it.
ChiefsGM: I guess that’s the end of the draft.
JohnLynch: Guys … I just looked at my roster and Coach Belichick used the commissioner tools to hack into our lineups and put all of our good players on his team!!!
OnToTheNextPick: I sure did.
BOB: Not my roster. I already traded away all of my good players myself. Joke’s on him.
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