“I felt like I was wasting my time trying to navigate life with someone who did not want to learn and explore his role as a partner,” Diana Makau, 27, a business analyst, says.
“Some men are carrying scars from the past and are not taking any time to heal. Right now I would rather chase the bag than a guy,” Sharon Muthoni, 23, an entrepreneur, declares.
“Every time I decide to be with someone, they hurt me because of the emotional baggage they are carrying,” Elizabeth Wainaina, an administration officer, 25, shares.
These are quotes from young women in their 20s who are not ready to compromise on their dating standards. To these women, if their suitors don’t raise the bar, they are ready to face life alone.
What are they looking for? ‘Good communication, emotional intelligence, and availability’ are some of the basic qualities that many of the women polled by Saturday magazine cited. This is in addition to a man who is financially responsible and one working towards his life’s fulfilment and purpose.
More so women in their 20s want men who are self-aware and working towards healing from past wounds. “And yes, sometimes it means going to therapy,” says Sharon, who walked away from a relationship because her ex burdened her with drama, stemming from his childhood.
The rise in dating standards is a growing trend among women in their 20s, many of whom are Gen Z and later millennials.
The shift is hurting men more. Today, more men are likely to be “lonely and single” than their counterparts of 30 years ago.
A viral article from Psychological Today, says that men are viscerally single and feeling lonelier than ever.
“Younger and middle-aged men are the loneliest they’ve been in generations, and it’s probably going to get worse,” writes Greg Matos PsyD, in Psychologytoday.com, early last month.
He attributes the shift to three aspects namely; dating opportunities for men diminishing as relationship standards rise, dating sites being dominated by males at 62 percent thus lowering men’s chances for matches, and a skills deficit gap that has led to men not meeting healthier relationship expectations.
“I hear recurring dating themes from women between the ages of 25 and 45. They prefer men who are emotionally available, who are good communicators, and who share their values,” he wrote.
Psychologists say this should be cause for concern, as men typically have a better quality of life when partnered and they possess a lethal combination of being less likely to seek help for their mental health, and more likely to commit suicide.
“Men are not only angry but they are getting enraged and hateful towards women. A few sometimes turn murderous,” notes Dr. Susan W Gitau a counseling psychologist, and certified mediator. One of the manifestations of this rage, she says, is in the growth of online misogyny among patches of young males, femicide as well as Gender-based-violence (GBV).
Loneliness is serious and should be addressed and supported, she says, but first, we have to unpack the root cause of this dating mismatch.
Changing gender roles, self-aware and exposed females, toxic masculinity, modernity, and western influences are just of the few causes cited by those interviewed.
“The woman of today is brought up to be an equal to her brother. They are aware that there is no difference between the sexes other than biological. And since the world today is a global village, they see that it’s possible for a woman to be treated with kindness, and to be understood,” says Prof Catherine Gachutha, a Counselling Psychologist, and a director at the Kenya Institute of Business and Counselling Studies (KIBCo).
For so long, single women have been treated as a cause for concern, made to feel like something was wrong with them because they hadn’t managed to ‘settle down.’ “It’s insulting and frustrating. So seeing the lens get switched to men feels a little like comeuppance,” notes writer Melanie Whyte at popsugar.com.
More self-aware
“More women are educated today and are empowered. They are self-aware and know what they want, and it’s hardly surprising they want more. Women are contributing financially to the family, and they will demand more,” Dr. Gitau, who has 22 years of experience in counseling psychology, adds.
Men are affected by the patriarchy too, and many boys are raised with gender roles that praise toxic masculinity, Dr. Gitau notes, and it will take effort to break out of it. “It’s an effort that some people may be unwilling or unable to put in,” she notes.
The friction between tradition and modernity has also been a contributor to the battle of the sexes.
Traditionally, the top priority for women was a man who could provide financial security and safety. Today, more women are getting into leadership, occupying corner offices, and earning more than their mothers and grandmothers.
By 2027, women are expected to account for about 60 percent of all Bachelor’s degree graduates, a report by US financial journal, Wall Street Journal, notes.
It, therefore, means that the younger woman does not want a man to just hunt and gather like his ancestors in the caveman days, but a man who also contributes to the relationship emotionally.
Elizabeth recently hit the brakes on dating because her two former flames drained her mentally and emotionally.
“Both of them were over 35 and when we first met it seemed like they were great. Unfortunately, I found out that one of them was a jobless alcoholic whose parents even told me to leave him. He was not receptive to any kind of help and did not believe he had a problem. The other was a single father who was stuck to traditional, conventional beliefs such as men should not openly show affection to their partners, hold hands or even go grocery shopping together. It was quite surprising since he studied in high-end schools such as St. Mary’s School and even went to college in the UK,” the office administrator voices.
Prof Gachutha says this is a common complaint by women in her therapy sessions. “Many are disappointed with the detachment from their partners. The modern woman wants her emotional needs met. They need to feel the connection and want a partner who can help her around the house,” the marriage and family therapist says while adding that women today want, “a friend, a companion and an affectionate man.”
Emotional maturity is all good, but women today still want a man who is self-aware and dealing with his past traumas. Many say they are not ready to act as shrinks and men should embrace and seek therapy for their baggage.
“If someone is taking from you rather than adding to your life, what’s the point of dating them?” Melanie Anami, 26, a lawyer, quizzes.
“They were (men) draining my energy and taking from me more than giving,” Judy Mutile, 26, a receptionist, explains why she is not ready to date.
“When I sense a man is about to ask me out, I ghost them because of the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship,” Grace Nduku, 29, a marketing manager, who sees relationships as burdensome, says.
Dr. Gitau sees these sentiments as being a result of women who are more aware of mental health issues. “Because of social media, many women now know about mental health issues and their impact on relationships. Once they spot these issues in a mate they will pull out,” she says.
Experts decry that mental health impacts relationships, and if issues are not addressed at the personal level, it can signal the end of a promising union.
Nelson Aseri, a psychologist sees this all too often in his practice. “Unresolved issues can cause abuse in relationships and lead to unhealthy parenting habits. From childhood, some men go through traumatic experiences, such as losing a parent or even being abused but continue to pile on the issues without getting help. If such a man meets a lady and they start dating, it is going to be hell for her. It is because he has not taken time to grieve the painful experiences and relationships he had gone through in the past,” he says.
The psychologist says that some men do not ask themselves why they are getting into relationships but rather do so to fill a void that can only be addressed through personal development and healing.
Diana has experienced the negative consequences of pent-up trauma. “It is in the little things,” says Diana. The man she was seeing had an unstable relationship with his father that made him feel unworthy of love. After many attempts of trying to convince him that he was loved, she decided to end it.
“It was up to him to choose to work on himself and heal his unresolved trauma. It really affected him,” she shares.
However, despite the benefits, therapy remains an alien term to many, and most men would rather drown their sorrows or escape than seek help.
Surveys show that men find it difficult to open up about mental health. According to CBT Kenya, men often only reach out for help when they feel they have hit rock bottom. On the other hand, others don’t seek help at all, notes the psychotherapy centre in the Kilimani area, Nairobi, that offers counseling and therapy sessions.
This is, however, changing albeit slowly. Dr. Gachutha notes that around two-thirds of her clients are women while men make up a third.
Psychologist Aseri, says that while more men have started going for therapy, many tend to be married at 70 percent, while only 30 percent of single men seek his services.
“Recently, more men are looking for clarity emotionally but the turnout is not that good. The number of single women seeking counselling is higher,” he notes.
Healthy relationships are a cornerstone for a healthy society.
What’s next?
There is hope. But this requires us to revolutionise romantic relationships and establish new, healthier norms starting with the first date.
If we do so, Dr. Matos notes: “It’s likely that some of these romances will be transformative and healing, disrupting generational trauma and establishing a fresh culture of admiration and validation.”
We also need to re-look masculinity. Experts note that while emotional connection is the lifeblood of healthy, long-term love, emotional skills are not taught to young boys in families consistently. While young girls are groomed to play into heterosexual male standards from a young age, boys are rarely told to respect, let alone reach toward women.
“We need to have a serious discussion in Africa, and it will take a lot of struggle,” notes Dr. Gitau.
“We need to raise boys that celebrate women achievements. We need the few men who are celebrating women, to come out and show the young boys that they shouldn’t be bruised or threatened by a woman who is doing better,” Dr. Gitau adds.
She also notes that men should come out as champions, and we should cultivate modern societal systems from childhood as we raise our boys differently.
“As we raise and empower our daughters we want them to get married. But it’s worrying for any parent given the violence and abuse that is happening in relationships today. We need to get to the root of the crisis,” surmises Dr. Gitau.
According to Psychologist Matos, men have a key role in the transformation but only if they go all-in. “It’s going to take that kind of commitment to themselves, to their mental health, and to the kind of love, they want to generate in the world. Will we step up?” the couple and family psychologist poses.
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