Former National Assembly Speaker Francis Ole Kaparo and his wife Mary Mpereina Kaparo have been married for 40 years. They have been blessed with four children aged between 30 and 37 years.
But after staying together for four decades as man and wife, the two appear to have called it quit. Mpereina wants a divorce.
In 2018, she filed for it at the Kiambu Chief Magistrate Court. In her petition, Mpereina cited cruelty, desertion and adultery as the reasons why she wanted to terminate her marriage.
Over the last few months, details about their divorce have been leaking publicly much to the dismay of many. Francis Kaparo, who is 71, has been a national personality of high repute and the chair of national cohesion.
But he and his wife have been trading bitter accusations over the breakdown of their marriage.
Mpereina says that their marriage was blissful until 2015 when Kaparo deserted their matrimonial home for another woman. She accused Kaparo of entertaining the woman at their matrimonial homes in Laikipia, Nairobi and Kiambu. She also accused him of admitting to having multiple affairs with other women and being violent. On his part, Kaparo accuses Mpereina of being a drunkard, and having affairs with multiple men, some of whom Kaparo knows.
“The petitioner (Mpereina) has been involved in adulterous relations with men known to herself and the respondent (Kaparo), to an extent of having children out of marriage, a fact that she has variously admitted,” he said in his affidavit. Mpereina has however denied this and said she was ready to have the children take a DNA Test to prove Kaparo is the father. Kaparo has rejected the DNA test offer. This unfortunate public marital breakdown paints the gloomy reality of separation and divorce that many elderly couples are nowadays finding themselves in.
According to psychologist Ken Munyua, the growing cases of divorcing elderly couples are a reversal of roles.
“The society has been accustomed to young couples divorcing within two to ten years of marriage. This status quo is changing radically and now we have elderly couples who are opting to go their separate ways at very advanced ages,” he says. Munyua says that many gray divorces go off when children move out of the nest. “Raising children is a major part of marriage. If it is the only glue that has been keeping a couple together, there will be a feeling of disorientation once the kids move out of the home. The partner who has been wanting out will finally make their move which will trigger the divorce,” he says. Such moves could include affairs, desertion, and even violence.
Divorcing at an older age will have two sides like a coin. It might be good for you but bad for your kids. “Divorce when your kids are younger can be harder in the immediate, because you’re very wrapped up in your feelings and the children’s feelings and everything that impacts both,” says psychotherapist Meredith Shirley.
“At the same time, because you are so present you are probably paying attention a bit more to what’s going on and to your kids’ well-being. So the divorce might be easier for the parents if they’re doing it after the kids have left the nest.”
She however says that it might be harder on the kids. This is echoed by Munyua who says that the impact of the divorce will trickle down to the grandchildren as well. “By the time your marriage gets to the thirtieth, fortieth or fiftieth anniversary, you will have become the example of what a good and lasting marriage should look like,” he says. “If you divorce, your divorce will create a sense of disillusionment and confusion in your children, grandchildren, and even the community around you. Their faith in marriage, and the purpose of marriage could be shaken irrevocably.
If the marriage was being held together by convenience, it would inevitably break down. Once the factor of convenience is no longer available, the couple has no motive to be together anymore. “A marriage may have died a long time ago, but the couple made a deliberate decision to stay together out of convenience, to protect their family name, wealth, or political and social status.
Once the status ceases to serve their interests, the next natural step becomes divorce,” says Munyua. He explains that in the majority of gray divorces, couples don’t just wake up one morning and head to the divorce court. “The actual divorce is the culmination of a long standing separation and futile reconciliations,” he says.
This was the culmination of Bill and Melinda Gates’ marriage of close to three decades. “It wasn’t one moment or one specific thing that happened.
There just came a point in time where there was enough there that I realized it just wasn’t healthy, and I couldn’t trust what we had,” Melinda said in a media interview after the divorce. Finances are another factor. According to Munyua, if the couple grew together without money, and then got a windfall, one party could stray due to new interests that the new money will generate.
But before you divorce at an advanced age, Munyua says you should beware of whether you’re ready to rerun the marathon of relationships or not. “Everyone goes into a new relationship with some baggage. If you’re walking out of a 30, 40 or 50 year-old marriage, you may want to evaluate if you’re ready to take new baggage from someone you aren’t conversant with, and in most likelihood, someone you’re not compatible with,” he says.
At this age, you may have accumulated some wealth. Ask yourself, who will control the wealth you build up together with your ex-wife and the legacy around it? “The big question you must ask yourself is what you’ll gain if you leave and what you’ll lose if you leave,” says Shirley.
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